The fork in the road

So here I am, at the fork in the road of my faith, waiting for something, or someone, to tell me which way to go. I feel as if I've walked the all the way up the Y, and now I must decide to go left, or right. Or as if I walked up the edge of a cliff, and now I must choose to fall off of it. I know God is here with me always, but why don't I feel it? And I'm not talking about how sometimes we just don't feel the Holy Spirit in us or God around us, I'm talking about really just not finding any good in yourself or hope in your salvation. I've read something by Doug Fields that basically says that with Godly choices come Godly living, and the more we are living Godly, the more we are making Godly choices. Also that God is honored by the Godly things we do in our life. God is not honored by me. I'm not living the Godly life or making the Godly choices I'm being held responsible to make. My heart is just not in it. I feel like my heart has been cardiac arrested, and sin's chains of bondage are shackling my soul evermore in the depths of hell. I want God to break my heart for what breaks his, but I'm still waiting to suffer a heart attack. I'm still waiting to meet my donor. I'm still waiting for an open heart surgery...

I hate what my life is becoming! I put up a love front when I step outside these walls, and the minute I return to base, I'm evil. I'm ugly. I'm not who I want to be, but somehow, I feel like I'm who I have to be. For me to hate the injustice I endure is for me to hate suffering, and if I'm supposed to find joy in suffering, then doesn't that mean I have to find joy in the injustice brought upon me?

same old same old

Lately everything I do in my life has been just another check off the list. Every week. Every day. Day after day. The same old same old. Scheduled event after scheduled event, I try to remain in the word and walk by faith, but with my ritualistic schedule, by the time I get down to God in the equation that is life, all I want and have time to do is walk by sight. And that causes me to stumble; more often than I should or have to be. I'm coming to realize that I'm not experiencing life at all, but merely watching it all go by me. I don't do all I want to do for myself. I don't have all the things I want to have. I don't have all the relationships I want to have. I'm not the whole person that right now I think I want or am supposed to be. If I had to die right now, I don't feel like I'd be ready, because I haven't crossed everything off my daily to-do list. I'm afraid I have become not me, but my to-do list.

I'm Not Who I Was

I wish you could see me now
I wish I could show you how
I'm not who I was
I used to be mad at you
A little on the hurt side too
But I'm not who I was

I found my way around
To forgiving you
Some time ago
But I never got to tell you so

I found us in a photograph
I saw me and I had to laugh
You know, I'm not who I was
You were there, you were right above me
And I wonder if you ever loved me
Just for who I was

When the pain came back again
Like a bitter friend
It was all that I could do
To keep myself from blaming you

I reckon it's a funny thing
I figured out I can sing
Now I'm not who I was
I write about love and such
Maybe 'cause I want it so much
I'm not who I was

I was thinking maybe I
I should let you know
I am not the same
But I never did forget your name
Hello

Well the thing I find most amazing
In amazing grace
Is the chance to give it out
Maybe that's what love is all about

I wish you could see me now
I wish I could show you how
I'm not who I was

Give Me Your Love for Humanity

First let me start off with this; I love you Jesus.

This weekend has been amazing. A few days ago little "fired" up me, a week from Student life was again feeling beaten and burned out. Hebrews 12:3 says," Think of all the hostility he endured from sinful people; then you won't become weary and give up." All of my days, I fight, trying to love people while hating the things they do. Tonight I heard some great things. You can't do evangelism, you have to be evangelism, but evangelism is the offspring of loving people, and that's why too many people are just doing it. I've just been doing it. Beginning tonight, I want to be evangelism, but my stumbling block is prayer and scripture memory and intentionalizing prayer into my life is seemingly impossible. Jon Randles said tonight that the power goes out when you bring yourself in. Always am I, complaining that I don't pray enough and that I don't "feel" God in my presence, but this isn't God plan for me, this is my plan for me, and I won't get there if I don't have God's plan in heart. Let this blog be my proof of witness that I will have God's plan in heart. "Give me your eyes for just one second, give me your eyes so I can see, Everything thing that I keep missing, give me your love for humanity..."

Is it strange to hear God and love him, but not feel him? I cannot begin to understand this. Do I just not know what it feels like to feel God? WHAT DOES IT FEEL LIKE TO FEEL YOU GOD!?
This burdens me to no end and all I want to know is how to make it go away.

Lately a lot has been on my mind. My God, my relationships, my future, my youth group. I have been pondering on the quote by an anonymous author that says," Sometimes I want to ask God why he allows so much poverty, famine, and injustice in the world, but I'm afraid he might ask me the same question." After reading that, I really wanted to pray that same question, but before I began to speak to God, he cut me off, telling me,"If you don't like poverty, famine, or injustice, then do something about it!" Proverbs 14:31 says, "Those who oppress the poor insult their Maker, but helping the poor honors Him." God has a special concern for the spiritually and physically poor and insists that those of us who have should give to those who need, whether it be with our money, prayers, or time.

This leads me to my youth group. Being a member of the student leadership team, I often wonder just how much reign in the ranks I have, feeling compelled to speak out, but so inefficient enough to be heard. It's because of this that I have been failing to speak up and out about Church Under the Bridge. I've had this endless feeling since I first wrote about it on December 15, 2008 that my youth group as a whole has not fully been living out the word of God amongst each other and amongst the world. Worst is that I've felt like any strain of love will graduate with our seniors. God gave us the wonderful opportunity to have houses to call homes, food to feast, family and friends to fellowship with, and a world to worship on. And what did he ask from us? Matthew 10:38-39 says, " If you refuse to take up your cross and follow me, you are not worthy of being mine. If you cling to your life, you will lose it; but if you give up your life for me, you will find it." Now to people our age, we can't say see'ya mom, dad, school, although that last part would be awesome, but can say see'ya obscenities, foolish talk, selfishness, jealousy, anger, slander, pride, gossip, and greed, and saying hello to salvation, eternal life, joy, love, and the almighty, powerful word of God.

Yesterday at Student Life Conference I heard an analogy that really spoke to me. How foolish would it be to watch a football team run out onto the field and into their huddle, conferencing together and making game plans, then to see them break, and run back on the bench? The point is, sometimes we do that, all of us. Our goal as Christians should be to get out there and play the game. Matthew 25:31-39 says, 31 ""But when the Son of Man comes in his glory, and all the angels with him, then he will sit upon his glorious throne. 32 All the nations will be gathered in his presence, and he will separate the people as a shepherd separates the sheep from the goats.33 He will place the sheep at his right and the goats at his left.34 Then the King will say to those on his right, ' Come, you who are blessed by my Father, inherit the Kingdom prepared for you from the creation of the world.35 For I was hungry, and you fed me. I was thirsty, and you gave me a drink. I was a stranger, and you invited me into your home.36 I was naked, and you gave me clothing. I was sick, and you cared for me. I was in prison, and you visited me."37 "These righteous ones will reply,' Lord when did we ever see you hungry and feed you? Or thirsty and give you something to drink?38 Or a stranger and show you hospitality? Or naked and give you clothing?39 When did we ever see you sick or in prison and visit you?"

Our time to play the game is now. Our time to truly live the love we say we have is now. Show those oppressed, those famined, those sick, those imprisoned, those naked, the love and mercy of God. What really screams at me the most is Church Under the Bridge. Why not live out some of your love there. Matthew 25:40 says, 40 " And the King will say,' I tell you the truth, when you did it to one the least of these my brothers and sisters, you were doing it to me!"

"Sometimes I'd like to ask God why He allows poverty, famine, and injustice in the world when He could do something about it..., but I'm afraid God might ask me the same question." ~ Anonymous

Sometimes I'd like to ask God this as well. Why he made me. Why he made me who I am. Why he made the people around me. Why he made the people around me who they are. Why the people around me do what they do. Then I'd like to ask him when I'll learn to take it all in and do something about it.