The fork in the road

So here I am, at the fork in the road of my faith, waiting for something, or someone, to tell me which way to go. I feel as if I've walked the all the way up the Y, and now I must decide to go left, or right. Or as if I walked up the edge of a cliff, and now I must choose to fall off of it. I know God is here with me always, but why don't I feel it? And I'm not talking about how sometimes we just don't feel the Holy Spirit in us or God around us, I'm talking about really just not finding any good in yourself or hope in your salvation. I've read something by Doug Fields that basically says that with Godly choices come Godly living, and the more we are living Godly, the more we are making Godly choices. Also that God is honored by the Godly things we do in our life. God is not honored by me. I'm not living the Godly life or making the Godly choices I'm being held responsible to make. My heart is just not in it. I feel like my heart has been cardiac arrested, and sin's chains of bondage are shackling my soul evermore in the depths of hell. I want God to break my heart for what breaks his, but I'm still waiting to suffer a heart attack. I'm still waiting to meet my donor. I'm still waiting for an open heart surgery...